I Will Wait

The word Patience strikes fear into many people. When I hear it, you can see me cringe. I hate waiting for things (like food, and redlights). But I’m getting better at it, I’m getting better. Patience is a process that comes after a lot of waiting. Actually, at the moment I am being patient for a phone call that determines my evening plans.

I was glancing through the Psalms (actually in search of a verse for a completely different topic) and it really struck me how many of the Psalms have themes around being patient. Waiting on God to move. Waiting on God’s answer...

Somewhere in every psalm regarding patience, the author comes to the same conclusion: ‘You will answer’. God will answer, in his timing. Maybe there are still lessons to be learned while you’re waiting. God might still want to work on items in your life.

What are you waiting for?

I can recall how much a HATED waiting to get my driver’s license. Believe me, I got so fed up with having to wait for so many things in the process of obtaining a driver’s license. But I learned so many lessons through that time, things about myself, things about God, things about cars as well. And looking back now, I probably wouldn’t trade those months of waiting for anything.

But being patient certainly didn’t end there and I certainly didn’t learn enough patience (can one ever learn enough?). I have to be patient while I wait for school to end and patient when I dance and I have to be patient with myself when I practice as well. I have to have patience when I play, or learn a new song or chord on the guitar and keep reminding myself that learning the Cm bar chord or trying to play ‘Revelation Song’ perfect within 10 minutes of learning it probably isn’t going to happen. Same with dance, I won’t be as fast and detailed as the rest of the girls I dance with, mainly because I’ve been dancing for 7months and they’ve been dancing for years.

Like I said, learning patience teaches you things about yourself: I am an overachiever and I tend to beat my self up if I’m not the best I can be in the shortest amount of time (one more thing to keep working at).

Right this very moment and many moments to come, I am waiting. Waiting for God’s answer in regards to life changing choices and decisions. Right now I’m ready to go, I’m ready to leave once we get the ‘go’. But that’s not how it’s works, even if God did a miracle and everything fell into place within the hour, it would still take a while before we would leave. PATIENCE!

And so I question myself. Am I honest to goodness ready to leave? Ready to drop everything when God says “Do this now.”? I try not to think about all the sad things wrapped around what I’ll call Reckless Abandonment. I try oh so hard to concentrate on the good things, but I stop – is there anything better than this? Can anywhere be as almost perfect as where I am right now? DUH yes!

Why is letting go of something so hard, even when you know God will have something better in store for you?

“But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31) --pretty good promise for patience huh?

God will answer me, us, when his timing is right. He will work everything out. I just have to keep waiting. Which is the part that hurts most.

What are we to do while waiting? Well I am certainly not going to sit around and wait for God to answer. I’m going to take every opportunity I have and make something of it. Something to remember and hopefully something that will show me just one more glimpse of who God is. All the while knowing that at anytime, God can answer.

I will serve Him while I’m waiting. And I will bring glory to his name.

While I'm Waiting - John Waller

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

Reckless Abandonment

Reckless Abandonment, what does that mean? Basically it means being willing to give up everything in order to follow Christ. It sounds simple…..yea right!?

Like I said in the previous post, God’s been teaching me this for a little over a year now, but finally I’m beginning to put the pieces together (you don’t know how relieving that is!). So what exactly have I been learning?

Lets start with the little things, the easy things. God wanted even the little things in my life that I was holding on to. At the time giving those to God was hard, but as time went on I realized they were a whole lot easier than what he would eventually ask me to give.


My looks. Seriously, that sounds really simple right? But it wasn’t. I don’t exactly look like one of those fake Hollywood models (and who does anyway) and God started to show me that I cared a little too much about what I looked like and that I cared a little too much about gaining attention from other people. If I cared more about what others thought of me, it would hinder me from doing risky things for Christ. That still small voice kept nagging me about that fact. But being my stubborn self, I didn’t want to give up my looks and my clothes. The main reason: I like attention. I like people complementing my fashion sense. I thought “If I let God have this he’s gonna ruin my sense of fashion and I’ll be a flop.” HOW STUPID IS THAT, SERIOUSLY!? But one thing after another that started happening finally convinced me that clothes really don’t matter so much after all. And in actuality I haven’t lost my fashion sense at all. It just doesn’t consume my life as much.


My driver’s license. Like I said, God even wants the little things. I could have taken my driver’s test in March of ’08, but I didn’t want to take it in the family van. I wanted my own car! I wanted a cool car that people would look at and be like “woahh nice car.” Well that obviously didn’t happen. We did get a car for a decent price and it wasn’t sporty or fast, but when I saw it I actually fell in love with it (in whatever way you fall in love with a car). It’s a 2001 VW Golf and I did name HIM: Red Riley the Volkswagen, or Riley for short. I thank God for him almost every time I drive him. So back to the license. First driver’s test – FAILED. Why? Because I hit the curb parallel parking.

Yes, in Pennsylvania that is an automatic fail. I still to this day think that is the dumbest way to fail a driver’s test EVER! First off, how many people parallel park after they get their license anyway (I may have done it once and just to make sure I still knew how)? And still, how many people do you see hitting the curb or worst yet, parked up on the curb?? BUT ANYWAY…so I tried again – FAILED. Yes, I hit the curb again. That really made me feel dumb, but it had to be just nerves since I could parallel park anywhere on the side of a rode, but not at the DMV. People say third times the charm right? Well more like 3rd time I made sure that I talked to God about it before hand, not afterward.

I remember telling him that it really didn’t matter to me anymore whether I got my license this time or not. He’d already broke my pride in being a good driver so what’s the use of trying to prove it to myself or to other people? I also decided that I wouldn’t worry so much about the test, because I didn’t care. Well I passed this time and I still remember looking out of the corner of my eye at the guys face when I parallel parked and he said I passed and I was like “Whoo Thank you Jesus!”

So though the driver’s license experience God showed me that I’m just a little too overconfident in myself at times, thinking I can do it. I, is the key word. We can’t do anything, only though Christ can we accomplish anything and God had to show me that once again the hard way. Since then I try to make sure I give him the glory when I do something, because it really isn’t me.

In August, something bigger started to happen both in my life and my family’s. It started when Dad lost his job. That came as a shock and like a bolder hitting our heads. Gas was $4 a gallon and I didn’t have a job to pay for my own gas and we had places to go. Well we couldn’t go shopping as much or just go running whenever we wanted to, because money had to be conserved. We started praying together as a family, but that didn’t last too long, since we all have our own schedules. But still, I remember the day we sat down and made a list of things that we’d like to ask God to provide. And to this day EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has been answered. Dad is working on a friend’s farm which helps with paying the bills. God gave us a wood stove for the winter (which I look back on and think that is the biggest miracle of them all). And praise God gas prices went down to just around $2 a gallon.

In my life, I started praying for some sort of job that I could work around my schedule, preferably a morning job (which I could only do because I’m home-schooled). God provided different babysitting jobs for me so I could pay for gas for Riley and part of his insurance bill. I could probably go on and on about everything that God did, and those first 4 or 5 months are only a testimony that “My God will supply all our needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)

I may be making this sound simple and easy, or you may be thinking that you could never do something like this, but I’ll be the first to tell you that I didn’t think something like this could happen or that it would ever happen. I’m just summarizing the thoughts and emotions of it, because it would take weeks to write everything. There were days, weeks that I wondered “What is God trying to do?” “What is he trying to teach us?” The questions seemed unanswered, but looking back I see that they are answered. God was teaching us reliance on himself. Trust in him to take good care of us, even if it’s not the way we want it to go.

There were nights I just wanted to curl up under a rock and forget it all. Pretend it was all a dream, because in a dream I can make up the ending. Many nights would I lie in bed, tears rolling down my cheeks wondering when this was gonna end. If it would end?

God was saying “Trust me, I will watch out for you. Follow me and You will be blessed.” “Give me your money; it’s not yours to begin with. I blessed you with it, to be used in my glory.”

Finally saying: ‘'God, you can take this whatever and however you want and I will still praise you’' didn’t come easy, but I will say that it was someone else’s pain, journey that inspired me to do it. A couple at our church, Dustin and Jerri Martin, had a baby on December 5, 2008. Named Todd H. Martin. He was born with HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome) and passed away on December 29, 2008. They kept a blog on the journey of experiences (which I’ll add here gave me the idea for my own). Every day I would check this blog to see the updates of the baby and read their emotions of the day etc. After Baby Todd died seeing how they handled it and even during the whole pregnancy after they found out about his condition. They never gave up and trusted God to have a plan bigger than they could imagine behind it. At Todd’s memorial service, the song Bring the Rain was performed by Jerri’s niece and her brother’s. I loved that song already, but in that moment hearing it thinking through the words it hit home inside very quickly.

When I say “God no matter what happens, I will still praise you and if it takes trails and pain and heartbreak to praise you Bring it on…Bring me ANYTHING that brings you glory.” Do I mean it? Do I really mean it, or do I just say that, hoping that God will accept it and not send me anything bad to test whether I mean it or not?

February brought along something from the hearts of many of the youth in our church. We had a Youth Sunday where we took over the entire service. In picking a theme, one of my good friends said that what was on her heart was ‘Hunger and thirst for the Lord.’ We had discussions in what song to do for the human video and ended up (after we tried to find a ‘better’ song) doing Third Day’s: Cry Out to Jesus. The song came over AMAZING and we’ve performed it multiple times since then.

At the end of the service, one of my best friends, Natalie (who had the idea of the song in the first place) talked about being satisfied with where you are in your walk with the Lord. She told a story she heard about a frog:

This frog lived in a well and one day he looked up to the top of the well and saw a bright light. He wondered “What is out there?” so he climbed up the well and there was a pond! He was so excited and he swam across the pond and found a Lake! He got even more excited about the Lake, but he saw something farther out, so he swam across the Lake and there was the ocean! More water than he’d ever seen in his whole life. But if the frog would have just been comfortable in his little well, and never stepped out in faith, he would have missed the ocean.

That’s the way it is with so many Christians. We’re comfortable where were are, with how things are going that we don’t want to take that risky step of faith from the well to the pond. Satisfied with God and where we are currently. We don’t want to move, we don’t want to forsake, leave everything we’ve ever know for Christ. What would other people look at us and think? What sort of criticism will we get???

What about God? Do you think about his side? What he wants to do in your life if you take that one little step of faith? Do you know what your ‘ocean’ is?

I will never forget either Charlie Ness or Steve Shank saying that if you are satisfied with where you are in your faith, you shouldn’t even be in church. Seriously though, that is a very good point.
I’ve thought about that a lot. Am I actually satisfied with where I am with Christ at the moment? Do I want more? Am I thirsty?

Friday, March 6. We hosted a concert of prayer at our church. That was a pretty amazing night in and of itself. We broke up into little prayer groups and prayed for all sorts of things, but all centering around the Valley (as Becky called it). In my group we talked a lot about tradition and how churches in America seem to be just ‘going through the motions’ more and more. They have become somewhat satisfied with where they are. Those in our prayer group were in one heart that we need to be awakened more. Those of us that have a hunger for more of God want to be awakened more, to have more hunger and more thirst for him so that it will just begin to spill out to others. With that in mind we set out praying for a new awakening of fire and passion to be ignited in people of our church and of other churches in the area.

Later that night, while the girls spent the night at church, I was thinking hard about this. “Do I really want more of the Lord? Do I hunger and thirst after him? Am I willing to do whatever he says, go wherever he leads if he will give me even more hunger for him?”

I couldn’t answer my own question. I really didn’t know where I was. I could say yes, I would do that, but in when faced with the choice I’d probably back out. I knew that was the wrong answer, I shouldn’t even be thinking it, but how many of us actually do think that?

Tuesday, March 24. Those of you there remember everything that happened. Totally a God-thing. When it was over, sitting there in the pew in the front with the people I love most(minus Dori who missed it), I finally felt it! I felt that hunger. That thirst. I felt it! I felt a passion for others to feel the same thing I felt. For others to feel the fire that burned inside for more of God. MORE MORE MORE!

I don’t know if it started before or after that night, but there’s been dissatisfaction with where I am with God. I want more. I need more! Anything. It’s come to the point that I’m willing, if it be God’s will to leave behind everything I love dearly. The things I’m still holding on to. Surrendering them all to get something better from the Lord.

The phrase ‘Reckless Abandonment’ comes to mind here (And if you don’t see God’s hands on all this…you need to open your eyes). A group of girls started a Bible Study on the book Lady in Waiting by: Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones. It’s a study through the book of Ruth. Well, so far it has been the perfect book for me to read right now (other than the Bible). Ruth tasted just a little of the Lord and she left everything behind her to move to a place she’s never been. How much more of God have I tasted and am I so willing to leave?

Well, to be honest I was doing ok through the first chapter till I got to a question that I couldn’t answer. “Could holding on to something possibly be keeping you from having open hands to receive something better from the Lord?” That stumped me. I knew inside that yes holding on would keep me from getting something better, but I didn’t want to voice it out of fear that God would make me give that up too. Well we all know how God works and he just started working his ideas into my head and my heart.
Then the big question came one day when I walked into the kitchen.

Would I move cross country?

Talk about a great way to wake up. I didn’t know, I couldn’t answer right away. That had to be the hardest question of them all. I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it. Everything that has been happening in the past months, I believe, was preparing me for this moment. Pieces started to make sense, emotions that I couldn’t understand started, finally to become clear to me.

Surrender.

I’d already given God my weight, looks, social status, car, money, love life, future, and so much more, what else could he ask for? What more could he want? He wants what I hold on to and dear the most. My home.

Pretty much he wants my heart. Am I willing to tear out my own heart and hand it over to him? Can I surrender that? This was probably one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. But the question “Could holding on to something possibly be keeping you from having open hands to receive something better from the Lord?” kept popping back into my head. What if I gave God what he’s asking for? Would he have something better in store?? Can I trust him to do that?

I decided that if God is calling. I will go. Setting aside everything I hold on to. The things I love most. To follow after God. In my mind I see (maybe a vision) a golden, bright shinnying light, in the shape of a cross. It’s something more beautiful than I’ve ever seen. Something I can’t even begin to describe to you, and I feel the beckoning to follow. To walk to it. To follow it. Because when I reach it, my life will be fulfilled. I will find satisfaction. It is a journey of reckless abandonment and total surrender to Christ’s control.


I have a question for you: Is there something you’re holding on to that could keep you from receiving more from the Lord? Are you satisfied with where you are? Or do you hunger and thirst after God to be willing to set aside that which you love the most in order to find him?

Somewhere in the Middle- Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Holding On

The past 12 months have been a growing experience in my walk with Christ. Since March of 2008, God has been going through my life and tearing things out that I’ve been holding on to, or that He knows will hinder me from serving him with my whole heart. I feel sort of like a mummy wrapped in duct tape, only I’m not dead. God is peeling away the layers of tape, One by one. The first layers were easier, but the closer He gets to the skin, the harder it became and the more it hurts (as you would know if you’ve ever put duct tape on your skin for 15 minutes then tried to pull it off). I’ve had many battles with him regarding giving things up, but every time I came to the same conclusion: “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). I don’t know what God’s plans are for my life, I have ideas, but I know I can’t see and certainly don’t know the extent of all he has planned. Surrender is hard, but as I surrendered the little things, I saw how I allowed him to change me and saw him use me in little, seemingly unimportant ways. Who knows what He will use those ‘unimportant ways’ to accomplish in the lives of others.

As the duct tape got closer to the skin, it started to hurt more. Surrendering my ‘love life’ was what I thought at the time the hardest thing I’d ever have to do. Committing myself to live a sexually pure life in this culture and society when media is throwing all this crap at me that says: ‘Go for it! Do what feels right!” is increasingly hard, but it has been fulfilling. I’ve never had a boyfriend and never dated and I’m almost out of high school. How many girls can say that?

You are probably reading this thinking that I must be a strong Christian to commit to something so difficult. Well I’m not. There have been so many times I’ve thought that it’s just not worth it to do this. When my friends talk about prom and their dates to the prom and ask me who I’m going with and I say “no one”. And they say “well why don’t you ask someone to go just as friends?” I say “No, I just don’t feel right about asking a guy, even as friends.” When people ask if I have a boyfriend and I say “no” and they look at me like I’m crazy or something. It’s not that I’m not allowed to date or anything like that, it’s that I know myself and if I had a boyfriend right now it would probably interfere with God’s plans for me to grow. I have to keep telling myself that, because I start to fall captive so often to the thoughts of the ‘flesh/sinful nature’. On top of fighting that, I have to fight the thoughts that satan plants that say: “why don’t you have a boyfriend? You must not be pretty enough.” “You’re too fat for a guy to like you.” “Guys don’t like your hair, it’s not blonde.” Etc etc…

Sounds fun doesn’t it? Not really, more like it feels like my heart is being shredded as God takes everything I have built myself up to be. Everything I thought important and a part of who I was has in someway been torn or ripped and I’ve been left open and empty. Open and empty to realize that the incompleteness I feel is not the result of single or not good enough, it is the result of not being full of Jesus Christ. Realizing that still isn’t enough. It takes a lot of time and effort and work to build that relationship with Christ and I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore, because everything that I thought I was isn’t a part of me anymore. I’m left with the question “Who am I God”? “What is my purpose in life?” “What am I on this earth for?”
Truly I am a flower quickly fading, a waved tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind. But God is still there, to pick me up when I make a mistake and to tell me that He still loves me and encourage me to keep pushing on and not give up.

“For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and say to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O worm Victoria*, O little child, for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy one of Israel. (Isaiah 41:13,14)







*emphasis added – the real words are Jacob and Israel.

The Motions-Matthew West

The lyrics to this song should be our prayer. They are my prayer. I don't want to live a life of motions, I want to live a life full of passion.

The Motions - Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions