Holding On

The past 12 months have been a growing experience in my walk with Christ. Since March of 2008, God has been going through my life and tearing things out that I’ve been holding on to, or that He knows will hinder me from serving him with my whole heart. I feel sort of like a mummy wrapped in duct tape, only I’m not dead. God is peeling away the layers of tape, One by one. The first layers were easier, but the closer He gets to the skin, the harder it became and the more it hurts (as you would know if you’ve ever put duct tape on your skin for 15 minutes then tried to pull it off). I’ve had many battles with him regarding giving things up, but every time I came to the same conclusion: “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). I don’t know what God’s plans are for my life, I have ideas, but I know I can’t see and certainly don’t know the extent of all he has planned. Surrender is hard, but as I surrendered the little things, I saw how I allowed him to change me and saw him use me in little, seemingly unimportant ways. Who knows what He will use those ‘unimportant ways’ to accomplish in the lives of others.

As the duct tape got closer to the skin, it started to hurt more. Surrendering my ‘love life’ was what I thought at the time the hardest thing I’d ever have to do. Committing myself to live a sexually pure life in this culture and society when media is throwing all this crap at me that says: ‘Go for it! Do what feels right!” is increasingly hard, but it has been fulfilling. I’ve never had a boyfriend and never dated and I’m almost out of high school. How many girls can say that?

You are probably reading this thinking that I must be a strong Christian to commit to something so difficult. Well I’m not. There have been so many times I’ve thought that it’s just not worth it to do this. When my friends talk about prom and their dates to the prom and ask me who I’m going with and I say “no one”. And they say “well why don’t you ask someone to go just as friends?” I say “No, I just don’t feel right about asking a guy, even as friends.” When people ask if I have a boyfriend and I say “no” and they look at me like I’m crazy or something. It’s not that I’m not allowed to date or anything like that, it’s that I know myself and if I had a boyfriend right now it would probably interfere with God’s plans for me to grow. I have to keep telling myself that, because I start to fall captive so often to the thoughts of the ‘flesh/sinful nature’. On top of fighting that, I have to fight the thoughts that satan plants that say: “why don’t you have a boyfriend? You must not be pretty enough.” “You’re too fat for a guy to like you.” “Guys don’t like your hair, it’s not blonde.” Etc etc…

Sounds fun doesn’t it? Not really, more like it feels like my heart is being shredded as God takes everything I have built myself up to be. Everything I thought important and a part of who I was has in someway been torn or ripped and I’ve been left open and empty. Open and empty to realize that the incompleteness I feel is not the result of single or not good enough, it is the result of not being full of Jesus Christ. Realizing that still isn’t enough. It takes a lot of time and effort and work to build that relationship with Christ and I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore, because everything that I thought I was isn’t a part of me anymore. I’m left with the question “Who am I God”? “What is my purpose in life?” “What am I on this earth for?”
Truly I am a flower quickly fading, a waved tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind. But God is still there, to pick me up when I make a mistake and to tell me that He still loves me and encourage me to keep pushing on and not give up.

“For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and say to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O worm Victoria*, O little child, for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy one of Israel. (Isaiah 41:13,14)







*emphasis added – the real words are Jacob and Israel.